I warned you...

Squishy ahead.

I think Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half is better than all internet memes (which is sliced bread for cheesy-joke-inclined) ever. I am a couple of steps from creepy fangirl finding out what Allie's favourite food is and eating only that forever. Forever.

But this is mostly because her character (which is her) reminds me of me, which makes this weird, now that I think of it. Except I am not afraid of geese and my pets would qualify for animal MENSA. Also, I am not blonde and I do not wear pink.

Her book was delivered last week - the reason I am not posting this on my other, book blog is because of the squishy that is about to smack you in the face like an alien in Aliens.

The last chapter I read is 'Identity part I'. Have I mentioned reading her comics is like watching a mini-series of myself? She bravely describes her conviction that she is a horrible person, specifically 'selfish' and 'conceited'. My first reaction is to email her and her she is awesome and definitely not a horrible person, especially not in a society that lets children sleep on the street.

Except I've been thinking these kinds of things a lot lately. Not as much as I used to - more to figure out why I think I am so terrible, especially because if it were realistic, I would bring every child in tattered clothing home with me to be fed, sheltered and educated.

But I'm projecting. What I want is for me as a child to be taken care of and for the child still hiding in me to be let out. So I'm not really a good person; I'm a manipulative one.

I can also be really charming, when I have the energy, which is usually nervous energy and wilts quickly. Other activities to which nerves are directed are: chores, gardening, banging holes in the walls and then just using double-sided tape, or walking in circles around shopping malls, comparing prices and then not buying anything because I am a terrible, wasteful person.

Surely the fact that I am self-aware should give some street-cred to myself, right? Nope. Insular, melancholic, two-faced and just generally terrible.

When I was knee-height, I had already concluded that I was a terrible person, which meant I had done terrible things. But let's assume I did one really heinous thing. That was the only explanation for the fact that I felt unnoticed and sad, and that I was a tugboat and the world was the perfect storm. I had about five years between this conclusion and birth in which to look, but my memories were mostly pictures that didn't construct a helpful timeline.

Really, that's the end of what I wanted to say.

Although I know this on a conscious level, the rest (and most) of me is cautious. Just because I haven't found an event doesn't mean it doesn't exist (well, I have found an event but I'm not ready for that post) and logically, this makes the most sense. Why else is are things so terrible? And unfair? Mostly unfair. I am pissed that people around me blithely skip through life and I can't even get out the front door.

Just thinking that is terrible, right? How can I be angry because stuff happens? But I am. Enraged maybe. Definitely enraged.

Until a few years ago, I was religious and then spiritual. I faithfully prayed, lit candles, made deals with whoever was listening, prayed, hoped for a plane to fall out of the sky, fought, gave in, serenely acknowledged karma, fought the world and cried. Whoever this deity was, he or she had proclaimed that I was horrible, obstinate, stubborn, selfish and melancholic.

Which, I increasingly thought, was really mean. It is definitely unfair to hold me accountable for something I had allegedly done when I was still an amoeba in this perfect storm. That's tyrannical. Dictatorial. Unfeeling. And no the ends do not justify the means, because what I do know is that extremes are usually falsely imposed, and that a deity could surely think of Plans B to Z.

I also thought some other things, which shall never be posted.

I thought I was enraged? Now I was a baby star with the stamina of Alexander the Great and the ambition to be the largest star that can be without falling apart. This baby star is now a young adult, just waiting. Waiting for what?

See above argument. I jettisoned all deities along with meaning and truth. I replaced them with disappointment and resentment, which my melancholy proceeded to grow over like moss. I am genuinely a nihilist, but I am not happy with this answer. I need information. I need the truth. Objective truth. Not this subjective rubbish. My subject is sad, sometimes suicidal, afraid and just horrible. I need the answer to my question:

What the eff did I do before I could speak that could possibly result in this amount of awful?

Again, I have a theory, but not everyone is going to like it.

Until I have the truth, I must continue to assume the worst. So Allie, I get it. And you are awesome even if you don't believe it, because you made me laugh out loud into my coffee. If you happen to know what I did, please drop me a line, even as a comment on this post. You don't even have to make it funny.

All planes sound like they are crashing

Most mornings my family ate breakfast in front of the TV, watching CNN. As most modern families do. Although usually seen as a dysfunction of the family unit, I was glad. I am not a morning person. I think mornings are wonderful and sometimes I wish I spent more time with them but only if no one speaks. This morning featured a story about a plane crashing into a suburban home. A full-on commercial plane, not those light jobbies. I can't remember whether anyone died, but I suddenly had a solution to a problem that had plagued me for a couple of years.

See, death is a good solution to life and so rationally one should have the option of expediting this solution by one's own hand. However, (before I lost interest in even loathing a certain deity) my main worry was that my family would suffer, granted in varying degrees. Ok, I confess I was worried they would blame me. (This is still an issue, but now it shares the stage with my suspicion of, well, everything.) Car accidents are messy, drowning is too horrifying and so on. But here was instant death, for which I could not be blamed. Unlikely, but look, it just happened!

I prayed every night for a plane crash, where no one died but me, and every time I heard a plane fly over I would listen for the whining of a burnt-out engine until I heard whining every time a plane flew over. Sometimes, I would brace myself, holding my breath in until I couldn't any more, so exhaling signalled that I was not about to die. I still hear that whine, and sometimes will involuntarily take a deep breath and search the sky for telltale wisps of smoke.

I don't believe in mollycoddling. My metaphors will become more graphic and just more. Forewarned is forearmed so read on at your own peril. Also this is my blog (well, one of), my chemicals and hormones, my dysfunction, and my past and present. This is my catharsis.

Which leads me to my disclaimer: This is my experience. I do hope that it will resonate with parts of others' experiences but fundamentally it is mine and I am very attached to it. By this life thing. Please do not project onto my experience or assume that this is exactly how someone else feels - just blerry ask them. (Trick erm statement there: Don't take my word for it.)

So, back to my disappointing experience of planes. Take a guess how long ago this was? I am 31, as of publication. 19? 15? 22? To prevent cheating the answer is three times three minus zero. Yes, 20. Spot on.

I know this story and I have told it to my therapist, oh, and I have written about because I had a dream about a plane crashing, which my brain re-enacted a number of times. Just to ram home whatever oblique point it was making. So, I don't need to rehash it when the dream would probably make a more interesting and revealing story.

The beginning of the point is I started thinking suicidal thoughts at round about age seven. The narrative in my brain at age five was 'I hate myself.' You think I am projecting because at that age, individuation is only a bud of an idea? The finale of the point is that I have lived with depression since I was a tot and manic-depression at least since my early 20s. I was diagnosed at 29 and have religiously (in lieu of anything else, perhaps) worked on managing my condition for more than two years, with two specialists with a full line of degrees.

I guarantee you I know my behaviour, thoughts and condition better than you do, given we're all cooped up together pending a plane crash (although I won't pretend I understand any of it and my unconscious has tried to kill me more than once, but this should reinforce how little you know about any of this unless you have some qualification I don't know about).

I can tell you more stories, about how I have admired Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf for what I see as having the courage to kill themselves since I was in school, or that the boy's suicide in Dead Poet's Society made me conclude I don't have the courage to shoot myself if I were presented with a gun.

I have been depressed and occasionally manic for most of my life (although I'm told that I couldn't have been consistently depressed and when I stabilise I will remember other periods of stability, but maybe I just blocked them out as worse than the depression). Unless you can time travel and have 31 years to spare, we can rule out that you have any thorough knowledge of what I go through any more than I do or could have of your life.

You may remember (I wouldn't; short-term memory of one of those mining pans) that I told you to just blerry ask. (While I swear, the words are mostly approximations like blerry and effing. If I spell the words correctly. Duck. Cover. And crawl away slowly.) This blog is about catharsis for me, but also to try to help others understand me and my fellow Bipolar Bears. (Couldn't resist.) I know, first I tell you this experience is mine and mine alone, and now that you should to some degree project onto my experience (so tempted to use another polar bear joke). I dunno, I'm still figuring it out.

My tone has been aggressive so far. I am (justifiably) irritated - and don't worry, this story will unfold over many posts, and I promise to sneak in a few erm and har! moments among the blerries and effs. I don't like being told what to do under the best of circumstances (like 'You, here is a drone which we would like you to test', whereupon I would sneakily set up my own parametres). And I don't like to be told how to think about what I feel and my unconscious likes it even less.

To share another contradiction (setting the tone) I rely heavily on external feedback. My basic assumption is that I am an awful human being who like Atlas (but prettier) carries the world on my shoulders, so when you tell me that I needn't carry the world I get all confused because I don't know how to put it down, which obviously means I am worse than I knew and I don't know how it got there or why it's there but I do know it's heavy and hang on, it is my responsibility actually and so you can just eff off. But, just to be sure, do I look dumb standing here with an orb on my back?

When someone, no matter how saintly, tries to process my experience, I feel judged and angry and confused in addition to everything else ricocheting around my brain (we'll get to that) - because you don't deal with this alone for 29 years and come out unscarred - it's like a Transformers' battle except no one knows who is an Autobot or Decepticon because their eyesight is going as they age (I mean, rust) and then we add some Smurfs and some Nolan-type snow-suit baddies from Inception.

You're walking into that and saying, here is Batman - he has come to play. My brain should flatline at this point but instead I focus all my energy into imagining you, my dear, dear, well-meaning friend, with a concave nose and me with a bruised fist, and we all survive. You may remember I am not thrilled about surviving in the first place.

Well, this has been very instructive, for me at least. You may be worse for the wear. But without commenting on my experience, you have helped me to figure out that my irritation and anger at people trying to interpret my experience is partly my own confusion. I am still figuring out how to untie some of the strings that knotted as I swivelled and ducked for 29 years of working through the mess while trying to hide it. That's my experience and maybe someone out there feels similarly, but no doubt their story is different. Especially the bit about the plane. A train, for example. Lightning?